KNONK

movie review

Barb Wire

1996

06 Mar 2026

So me and some of KNONK’s younger members went to this Pam Anderson appreciation night. I would link to the organisers but I actually can’t find them or even remember what the night was called. It was kind of an accident we were there.

The night featured some burlesque (which was great) a silly game involving a kid’s bike (they couldn’t get a motorcycle into the venue) and a showing of the 1996 action flop Barb Wire with Pamela Anderson.

The audience participation elements (making vroom vroom noises whenever the motorcycle appears, etc.) were kind of lost on me, but I thought it was interesting to rewatch this in light of Ms Anderson’s knock-out comeback with The Last Showgirl in 2024. Clearly, the woman can act, or she can now.

So Barb Wire was not a success in the nineties, and I’m certainly not here to argue that it is “good”. It is not “good”, but it’s also not so bad that it’s unwatchable. It’s a plot-light, boob-heavy trashy action flic based on a comic book that plays very much like a trashy action flic based on a comic book.

The titular Barb is a badass. That’s it. That the one note she gets. She glowers and kills a guy with her shoe and she’s emotionally unaffected by the story. She has a bar in the last free city in a post-apocalyptic America ruled by fascists. She moonlights as an assassin/bounty hunter who gets close to her targets by posing as a sex-worker. She loses the bar. It hardly matters.

The action finale involves a fork lift picking her up with her motorcycle, which is then picked up by a crane, and they brawl it out on this floating fork lift platform. Is there a video game? Also her boobs are in it. A lot.

I don’t know what to tell you, man! Is it worth watching? No. Did I have a good night? Yes. Recommended if you like:

Ocean's 11

2001

05 Mar 2026

Ocean’s 11 was in the “hat” (it’s a tub actually) for Pigeon’s Lucky Dip DVD night, and it was actually the first time I’d seen it. I will contrast my expectations of this quite famous film with my actual experience, and then we’ll see where we get to.

So my knowledge of the Ocean’s series was actually quite limited. They’re heist films where a bunch of guys led by George Clooney and Brad Pitt rob a casino. The last film was all women, so that’s nice. That’s all I really knew. Here’s what I expect from a heist film. First, you need to set up the challenge: there are guards here, we need a code for this door, what have you. Then, there is a Cunning PlanTM to deal with these challenges. In the execution of the plan, stuff goes wrong (plan < contact with the enemy) but the heisters pull it over to their side and win in the end. That’s the formula.

Ocean’s 11 deviates from this traditional pattern in two important ways. One, we are not told the plan. We don’t even find out what they’re doing as they are doing it, we are hoodwinked along with the casino owner (Andy Garcia, easily the sexiest in this sexiest man line-up). Which is fine, the cleverness of the plan makes for a good surprise when it is revealed, but it does mean you spend much of the film without any clue as to what’s going on, and whether they are winning or losing. So, upsides and downsides to that decision.

More importantly, the film-makers just don’t play fair. Just to pick on one detail: what would you do if you found a stranger’s burner phone in your pocket? “Answer when it rings” is not top of my list, let me tell you. But the whole plot hinges on that phone call going exactly the way they want.

There’s many of these “but wait a minute” fridge-thought moments that you don’t spot at the time because you’re not clued in to what the plan is, but that leave you feeling robbed when it’s over. A little bit of plot immunity for the heroes is forgivable, but these guys get away with bloody murder. Also, the “winner gets the girl” plot is so last millennium, guys. Do better.

I guess people love Ocean’s not so much for the tight plotting as for the joy of watching a bunch of shiny movie stars swanning it up in Vegas and trading witty dialogue. It does deliver on that. Well done, gentlemen.
*polite applause*

Something's Gotta Give

2004

21 Feb 2026

I know it's not a new observation to say that romantic comedies are heteronormative propaganda. But some of the narrative choices in Something's Gotta Give were so out there, and so infuriating, that I'm going to take it as a case study.

Jack Nicholson plays a 63 year old dating a much younger Amanda Peet. They try to have a sexy weekend at her mom's beachhouse, but uh-oh, mom is there too. Jack has a heart attack trying to fuck his gf, and the handsome young doctor (Keanu Reeves) insists that he doesn't go far from the hospital to recover.
The only solutions is obviously for him to stay at the beachhouse with mom (Diane Keaton), who hates him and is a complete stranger, but who nonetheless takes care of him. Mom, who is a divorced playwright whose uptightness is signalled by her wearing signature white turtlenecks and is going through a multi-year dry spot, finds herself with not one, but two possible lovers: her daughter's older beau (they break up, it's cool) and his doctor.
She falls in love with Jack, who has made clear he is not monogamous, but sees him in a restaurant with a new young woman and freaks out. They break up. She cries for weeks while writing her play, which is based on her adventures with Jack.
With Jack out of the picture, doctor Keanu makes his move and they date for six months, culminating in a romantic birthday getaway in Paris, where he means to propose marriage. But wait, here's Jack. He has been on an apology tour of his former girlfriends to learn about himself, and has flown all the way to Paris to speak to Diane, the final one. In a move of unforgivable boorishness, he joins the love birds for dinner (there's a ring box on the table when they inexplicably ask him to stay) so he can hash out his situation with his one-time fling.
They say goodbye but Diane chases him in a taxi so they can declare their love for each other in Paris while it snows, and they end up together.

So what's my problem? Diane Keaton is funny. Nicholson gets to be both charming, lovable cad (sorta, if you're into that sort of thing) and slapstick comedian. But here's what it teaches us — or, not even teaches so much as assumes we already agree:

  1. Sex means penis goes in vagina. The movie puts a really weird emphasis on the fact that the younger woman and the older dude have not yet had sex. We see them making out, her in her underwear straddling him, but they have never had sex. It's mentioned twice. And the fact that he has some erectile dysfunction is, like, a major plot point, because, you know, you can't have sex without an erection.
  2. Once you have sex, everything changes. At one point Jack says a man and woman can't be friends once they've had sex, and although maybe that's just his retrogressive take, I'd argue the movie agrees. It's very important that he hasn't fucked his younger girlfriend because that makes it OK for him to fuck the mom. And become her partner. And the family can all have dinner together and it's definitely not weird. Because they never had sex, you see, so it's all good.
  3. Monogamy is the same thing as commitment. It's almost a throwaway comment, but Diane, the mom, explains the relationship between Jack and her daughter by saying she isn't capable of commitment either.
    And just in case you thought that maybe it's OK for a 20-something woman to play the field a bit and do her own thing, we later learn that she's unable to allow a man to get close because she's afraid to get hurt and it all goes back to her parents' divorce. It's not just her character. It's damage. Luckily, a heart-to-heart with her mother help her overcome that damage. Because...
  4. Even strong independent women just want to be a wife and a mother. Before the six month break, we saw her freaking out because her dad was getting remarried to a younger woman and she felt like he was replacing her. o_O
    Her and mom have some words. When she pops back up six months later, she has some Dilbert looking guy who is now her husband, and she's pregnant. Don't worry, she's fine now! And her ex-boyfriend gets to play funny grandpa to her baby when it arrives! Happy family!
  5. Love is Enough. So this is the big one. Jack has never been successfully monogamous in his 63 years, and Diane clearly needs monogamy to feel like their relationship is valid. Their lifestyles have nothing in common. We have no idea how they might spend their time together, but they both felt something special that one week they were together (him recuperating from a heart-attack and clearly not his usual self), so they should be together and it makes perfect sense for her to pick him over her 6 month boyfriend, who is patient, understanding, professionally accomplished, respectful and supportive.
    What the fuck!?

I wonder if there's a version of the script where puckish, insufferable Jack wakes Diane up from her post-menopausal sex freeze, which sets her head reeling but ultimately means she's open to the love and respect of a younger doctor, and those two get together and it fucking makes sense.
But of course, that would not be the Hollywood ending. Because Keanu is only 36, we can't give him a future where he misses out on being a dad. That's what life is all about. Age-gap relationships are funny and scandalous, not serious romantic options.

Fuck this film, and a fuck you to Nancy Meyers, who wrote, directed and produced it.

My Life as a Courgette

2016

07 Feb 2026

A cute French claymation that looks like a kid's film and is rated PG, but holy crap is it dark.
The DVD case blithely notes that the main character goes to an orphanage after his parents die. It doesn't mention that his mother is a severe alcoholic who threatens to beat him and dies after he acidentally causes her to fall down the stairs. And he is but one of the seven-or-so severely traumatised 8-10 year olds that form the heart of this charming, colourful film.
Is it a French thing?
I'm not against challenging themes in kid's entertainment though, and it treats the kids and their strange behaviours with respect and a gentle hand. The characters are all multi-dimensional, even while made of clay. There's a bully, who turns out not to be all that bad, but also doesn't stop bullying just because they had a good talk. There's a girl with PTSD from unspecified parental abuse, whose mood can be read by how much hair covers up the scar on her face. And a girl who ended up in state care after her mother was deported to an African country, who rushes out the door with a "maman?" whenever a car approaches, but then when her mother does show up, she doesn't go with her.
And, perhaps most surprisingly, we are trusted with these subtle characterisations, trusted to connect the dots and understand what's going on with these kids. Is that a French thing?Because I like it.
Beautiful, slightly haunting.

Recommended if you like:

Calendar Girls

2003

30 Jan 2026

Pleasant but silly film about middle aged women raising money for charity with a nude calendar. The jokes are mild, the drama is forced, and the whole thing would have been a yawn-fest except for Helen Mirren. I just love her.

About Schmidt

2002

25 Jan 2026

Boomer retires, loses wife, starts to unravel. With Jack Nickolson. Honestly, I was worried I would not like this one. An old white guy, comfortably middle class, can’t take care of himself, can’t stop himself from insulting and disappointing those around him. It’s tough to make a guy like that likeable.
So why does it work?

I read some writing advice once to the effect that your characters don’t have to be good at what they’re doing, but they have to give it what they got. A businessman trying to survive a plane crash in the desert even though he has 0 wilderness experience? Compelling. A teenager who can’t get out of a tight spot because, oops, she left her phone at home? Unacceptable!
We understand the kind of man Schmidt is from the first few scenes. He works a boring corporate job, his wife has looked after him since he left home, he represses his emotions in the name of rationality. Yes, he messes everything up, but it’s because he really doesn’t have the basic life skills to keep his house tidy or feed himself, and he doesn’t have the emotional management and communication skills to navigate the conflicts he gets into. He’s never had to learn that stuff, but he is giving it the best he’s got.
And if that means loading up a supermarket trolley with frozen pizzas because that’s the only thing he knows how to cook, then he will do that with gusto. If the only way he can express his feelings about his future son-in-law is through explaining his dream about aliens, he’s going to give that his best shot.
And I think that’s why we forgive him, even when he messes things up again and again. His character would normally be the obstacle in someone else’s story. He’s a side character turned main character, and somehow it works.
The box was all about how funny it is, and it is, but the humour arises out of the absurdity, with occasional splashes of slapstick. The pace is slow. The frustration high. We both enjoyed it.

Recommended if you like:

Hairspray

2007

19 Jan 2026

watched

Fun watch! Some cool songs, mood-elevating dance scenes, and some real stars in “what are you doing here?” parts, who actually pull it all together.
We have Christopher Walken as a joke-shop owner dad, Michelle Pfeiffer as the evil (former beauty) queen and, yeah, John Travolta in drag?
If you search for “Travolta Hairspray” google suggests asking why’d he do it? And I guess that was sort of my question. He’s a weird pick, for sure. And it’s for sure a brave move for him. But the really surprising bit is that he kinda knocks it out of the park!? Kinda!?
My favourite scene was her and Christopher Walken singing about how much they love each other even though they’re a pair of old farts. Actually touching, but then I’m an old fart.
The Guardian had a two star review, proving once and for all they’re a bunch of fuddy-duddies who hate fun.

Recommended if you like:

  1. That gay shit (in that it's very camp, there’s no gay characters)
  2. Audio-visual Caffeine
  3. Children’s book level civil rights stories

The Northman

2017

02 Jan 2026

watched

Toxic masculinity, the movie. Our hero is hanging out with a bunch of war criminals when Bjork reminds him he's supposed to avenge his father.
He does, by sneaking around the hall killing men at night, like a ghost. This is the kind of stuff that made Grendel the bad guy, but I think we're still supposed to root for him?
No "be or not to be" for this guy, he's here for his vengeance and he'll do anything to get it. What a waste. The witchy stuff was cool, the gore and violence got a bit much.
Not for me.

Recommended if you like:

  1. Witchy
  2. Gore
  3. Deconstructed heroic tales